When someone in the family dies, it always makes you think about your life and sometimes we tend to zoom back to certain parts that we can never seem to really put behind us. Every time a family member dies, I think back to my mother, and for some reason, I always think about all the things I did that disappointed her or hurt her feelings. I always carry this guilt with me, and I can never seem to ever really let it go. Why is that? What is the evolutionary reason for this kind of haunting guilt?
One thing I don't know if I can ever let go was how my sisters and I were going off on a nature retreat, and my mother called me back as I was about to get into the car, and after her urgent calling, I went back and said, WHAT? in a very exacerbated way, and she handed me an umbrella, which I snatched out of her hands. The look on her face after that action made me feel instantly guilty for my actions, and that one thing I had done I had never ever let go. It was her loving consideration that I had thrown back in her face, and the look of utter shock and disappointment in my behavior on her face that I will never forget. If I could go back in time, that would be on the top of the list of things I would do over.
There are plenty more where that came from, but while that may seem to be the most innocuous thing I have done, it is the one that comes back to me, and quite often. Why is that? Why is that, even with all the worse things I have done (the screaming fights, the passive aggressive not coming home from college even when I had time, etc, etc), this one thing bothers me the most?
